The Thing about the Car Bug and Turning 50

By the time you read this I will have hit a very major milestone in my life. I will cross over the half-century mark. I know when I turned 40 just last year, or was that 10 years ago? I was shown the secret handshake for those that are four decades old. No one has told me what secret comes with turning 50, maybe just getting to 50 in one piece is the secret in itself. They say you are as old as you feel - who knew that 100 would feel so good!

Enough about my age - 46 years ago I was bitten by a bug. It's venom has no known cure and continues to ravish my body with no bounds of decency. I remember the day as if it was yesterday. 46 years ago, I was 4 years old (yes, 50 - 46 is 4, I have that much of my mind) and it's late summer, one of those perfect evenings with the sun just setting, crickets beginning to chirp, an evening that can only be found in Vermont that time of year. My friend's older brother just

purchased a used, new to him, red on red 1964 Chevrolet Impala SS. He pulled up to their house and there it sat, gleaming, almost glowing, in the early evening dusk. The red paint seemed two miles deep. The white band down 
the side screamed 'I am fast, very fast' and I remember staring at the chrome SS logo on the rear quarter panel thinking that it was alive and rumbling like the engine up front. The red interior, center console and the beyond describable chrome insert in the back seats set my heart to fluttering. my face went flush and I just stared. Nothing in the world had ever been so beautiful. I mean I always liked cars, Matchbox, Hot Wheels, remote control, battery operated, but that day -- that moment - 

I was infected with the real car bug and the fever has never subsided.

I know people often write about what it means to be a 'true' car guy, or girl. I am writing today to say that all that is written is true. As I have grown

older my affliction only worsens. My wife, my children, my non-car friends have to live with my obsession. Walking through a parking lot and seven rows over I spot the roof or maybe a small part of the trunk of a cool car and off we go, all walking over to see the car that dad says is cool. Why? They don't know, but dad says it is. I drive a BMW 2002, a box on box design and think it is one of the sexiest cars ever made so clearly what it means to be a cool car is different in my mind.

I have shared with my wife that I wish I could shut off my car brain. I wish there was a cure because I know it is difficult for those that I live with and around. I have tried to starve the disease and feed the fever and vice-versa -- nothing works. While driving I see every car that goes by and comment on most of them. While at home Velocity or NBC Sports Network channels are on the television and as for the recordings on my DVR, it is at least 4 to 1 cars over everything else. Races, car restoration shows, car information

shows, car shows about car shows, auctions - it makes no difference, if it is on I will watch it. Sometimes when I am 90 minutes into a 3 hour race I realize that my family has had to listen to roaring engines for the entire time and I feel bad. I watch auto auctions, Mecum, Barrett-Jackson, Joe’s local car, tractor, boat and lawn mower auction, really any auto auction that is on. Again, hours of the auctioneer crying out 

'Who will give me 55, 55, do I hear 60, 60'

and I think to myself, 'This is not fair to my family'. But, I simply can't change the channel.

For those of you who live with and put up with the truly car obsessed you deserve medals of honor, purple hearts, and other lofty awards for your

 service. It isn't easy but you bear with us even when we should have been ignored hours, really, years earlier. My own wife, Cathy, 

and my children, Ethan, Eliza and Seth, thank you for allowing me to babble on about cars, have two in the driveway that are twice the age the children with a third car on the way. You have allowed me to be me and have never complained - thank you. Please know that if I could control this demon I would, but it runs free and I am powerless to stop it.

For those of you who are car obsessed with a significant other, family, friends, you too need to thank them. Go ahead, do it right now, I can wait. To us knowing that a 67 Mustang did not have side markers but a 1968 did yet forget your anniversary or your child’s birthday seems totally normal. Dear car friends, it isn’t. We owe it to the rest of the world recognize that.

 

Did you say thank you yet? Did you give them a big hug? That's all you can do. Now, go back to the garage and get working.

That's the thing about the car bug, you don't know who it will strike, but when it does, there is no cure and the beast must be fed.

The Thing About Rental Cars - Part 3

The greatest rental car comment ever uttered has to have come from Jeremy Clarkson on BBC's Top Gear. As he and James May set off on some excellent adventure Clarkson shows up in a light blue Toyota something or other. He points to the car and says 

'This is the fastest car in the world'. 

James asks how in the world could a boring sedan be the fastest car in the world? Mr. Clarkson exclaims 'It's a rental!'. From that point forward the little car never had a chance. So it is true with all rentals, they seemingly live the life of a London cabby horse in the late 1800’s.

As we conclude our series on rental cars I am here to share the plight of these vehicles. I am not talking about just Mustang GT's and Camaro SS's but even the little Toyota Yaris or the huge Chrysler Town and Country mini-van that have been treated in ways as people say 'I wouldn't treat my worst enemy like that.' I imagine as cars come off the manufacturing line and think with joy about their future owners some Taurus or Impala reminds them 'You could become a rental'. It is then the nightmares begin.

How do people treat rental cars? A few, like me, call us One Percenters, actually treat them well. My love of cars doesn't allow me to trash, beat on, dirty or do anything else that plagues how these poor 

beasts are treated. Maybe one standard deviation from me are those who just get in the cars and drive them neither caring that they are rental cars, or cars at all. A ding? No worries. Food on the floor? So what, the Avis people will clean it up. They generally don't misuse the vehicles but definitely have no issue leaving a rental in a tough neighborhood - unlocked.

There is a larger group who believe that a rental car is synonymous with 'garbage truck'. This group is generally comprised of families but a single salesperson living the jet set life of fast food, 84 ounce sodas from Shell stations can also fall into this category. These poor cars return after a week at the beach with enough sand to fix slippery roads for the city of Atlanta during an ice storm, enough dirt to plant potatoes and other root vegetables and 

enough garbage to keep Wall-E happily employed for a thousand years. How this is done in a single week I don't know but these renters seem to accomplish this without breaking a sweat. I am positive I once saw a bucket loader at the back of a mini-van helping to unload more trash than early Native Americans would make in a lifetime. 

The remaining 85% of the people get in their beast of burden and suddenly think they are Jeff Gordon or Jimmie Johnson. Behind the wheel they are at the Coca Cola 600 in Talladega and dang it, they are going to win. This type of driving behavior is regardless of location, weather or, scarily, driving skills. They drive like this in town or on the open road believing the right hand pedal must be to the floor while simultaneously slamming the brakes till they become molten pieces of metal dripping beneath the car at each and every traffic light. The phrase 'Drive it like you stole it' is their mantra. 

What's funny about the 85 Percenters is they do this no matter what kind of car they have. A mini-van - well it has one of those auto-manual shifters so they must want me to jam it in and out of gear. A Nissan Versa - the engine is so small I have to run it to 9,000 rpms just to get to the top of the hill (by the way, the car red-lines, which means that is the SAFE maximum engine revolutions, at 6500). We all know a Taurus can easily drive over the largest speed bump at 40 MPH and the little Chevy Cruze – ‘Pot hole? 

What pot hole?’ as they careen the vehicle through Neil Armstrong’s lunar crater the same way Grave Digger drives over other trucks. Do I need to mention what happens to Mustangs, Challengers, and Camaros? Let's not go there, I just had breakfast.

Why we treat rental cars like this I don’t know. Is it to help us get out our road rage? Do we have a bad home life so instead kicking the dog we kick our rentals? Maybe it is because a car in our past left us stranded so we put a horse head into the lot with a message

  

‘This could be you’.

Why though? Why only rental cars? People don’t annihilate tools they rent from Home Depot or from a neighbor (I do have a story about weed whacker that came back after a day’s use in let’s say less than pristine condition). This doesn’t seem to happen to vacation rentals. Even people who rent apartments and houses tend not to destroy them simply because they can. In fact, in other rental situations it is One Percenters who treat other rental objects roughly while the other 99% are respectful.

I read the following quote from a frequent car renter: 

'I normally don't abuse any car but have to admit that I did try to help a couple of pieces of junk end their misery.'

That about sums up the fate of the rental car.

So how do you treat your rental cars? Never mind, I don't think I could handle the answer. As one who loves cars and thinks of them as having a soul, it is difficult to sit back and watch the hopeless life of the rental car. I am thinking of starting my own non-profit – PETRC – People for the Ethical Treatment of Rental Cars.

That’s thing about rental cars – just as people never say ‘I want to grow up to be a jerk’, no car comes out of the factory wishing it will one day join a rental fleet.

The Thing About Rental Cars - Part 2

A new car is exciting and there is something about the new car experience that only a new car provides. The smell of new leather (or leatherette?). The thunk sound of a solid shutting door. The smell of the engine, heater, air conditioner as they reach maximum operating temperatures for the first time produce a magical experience. The issue for most is that the experience comes once every 4 or 5 years. More frequently for those with 6 or 7 digits in their savings account balance.Even then for most it is a rare event.

In enters the rental car. If you travel a lot you get to experience a new car each and every week, sometimes 2 or 3 in a single week. While all of the cars are not brand new most of them have fewer miles than the one back home. Last month we discussed they types of cars to rent. This month let’s focus on the excitement, or, the lack thereof, of the actual car you get when you arrive at your destination.

My company uses Hertz as our primary rental company. I generally rent a mid-size, or standard car. Remember, this is a 4 door compact with 5 seat belts. Go with a full-size and you are looking at the general family / co-worker hauler. Regardless of category some cars are almost fun and some coma inducing. A Maxima or Kia Optima turbo or a high end Hyundai for a couple of days can be fun as they have enough horsepower, and gadgets, to make the driving at least entertaining. You also may be punished with an Impala or an Altima that lack gadgets and horsepower and essentially represent cars where the engineers are told 

‘This year, make the car 10% more boring and if you can hit 12%, bonuses all around!’.

Let’s not focus on the actual brand of car but instead on the feelings you experience as you get off the plane. You may be picturing yourself in a Mercedes SLS roadster driving down the highway with the top down , sun shining and the wind blowing through your hair (hey, it’s my imagination and I am allowed to visualize myself with hair!). Since I generally rent in the same category I generally get the same cars. A Ford Fusion (which is nice), the Toyota

Camr…(oh, sorry, fell asleep there), most often the Chevrolet Impala. After I land I get an e-mail from Hertz telling me what my rental will be. Often I won’t even open the message. I like to wait until I get to the rental agency itself so the surprise lasts longer. I look at the Gold Club board to see what slot my car sits in. As I stroll to my space I look at all
the cool cars I pass getting to mine. I dream that maybe, this time, I will I get a Mustang or Camaro or maybe something from across the ocean like a Volvo or maybe a Mercedes.

As I continue down the aisle I anxiously peek over the top of the of the other vehicles looking for my car. Being honest, I also hope I won’t actually see my car because, like birthday and Christmas presents, once I know what the gift, or the car in this case, is, the anticipation and surprise is over.My car may be 4 or 5 aisles over and as I pass fun little Fiats or Kia Souls or some other model that I have never driven I assume they will be more fun than my rental. As I near slot 761 and still my car remains unseen between the two ginormous SUVs my anticipation grows. If it is between two expensive to rent Super-size Me’s it must be nice, right? I see my name on the board above the car. This baby will definitely be mine and what do I find, blazing forth in its full glory? A, wait for it, the car I have been anxiously wondering about since the reservation was made two weeks ago. It is, it is…

A tan Camry.

Yep, that’s right, tan and Camry. Two of the most unexciting words in our language and when put together multiply the dullness  by 263 -- Yes, I have calculated the boringness factor of those words combined and 263 is correct.

Sigh…

Maybe not all is lost? Maybe the car is top of the line! Yes,that’s it, definitely top of the line. I look for the telltale signs that spell ‘F-A-N-C-Y’. Aluminum wheels? No. Extra chrome? No. Body colored bumpers? No. Still not hopeless, maybe the money was spent on interior features. I open the door looking for tan leather, moon roof, built-in GPS, and a digital dash. No, no, no and no again. The tan cloth interior, analog gauges, manual AC/heater controls, and radio with 6 whole buttons to push face me with almost the same gloom that I feel. Sigh again…I look back across the garage and there, just 4 stalls over, a Hemi Charger. 

A Cadillac SRX and a bright orange Challenger just two rows over and all, so close, yet so far. Maybe there is something better in the Gold Choice area? Maybe I should go back and see what else they have available? But my spirit is broken, I have opened a black belt and socks as my Christmas gift. With depression at 110% I give up and load my luggage into the trunk, climb into the driver’s seat, and drive away. 

Even the Camry seems sad to be a Camry.

I pull out of the lot, popping Benzadrine to remain conscious and I realize that at least I don’t own this car and it is only for a couple days.Besides, I am traveling to Dallas on Thursday. I fondly remember the Camaro SS convertible with only 6 miles on the odometer that once awaited my arrival. Imagining my Camry is a Ferrari I smile -- almost.

That’s the thing about rental cars, getting the one you really want is like dessert at a church pot luck, sometimes it is Sinful Chocolate Decadence and sometimes it is red jello with beets.

The Thing about Rental Cars - Part 1

Summer is soon here and a lot of people will be traveling and that often means renting a car. I travel a lot, sometimes two or three cities in a single week. That means a lot of rental cars. Each city I go to becomes not only a new experience but an opportunity to drive a different car.

I find there are two experiences that come with renting a car.

First, what type of car to choose? With so many options this is not as simple as it sounds.  Second, the excitement of what car I will get my hands on when I arrive.

For this month, let’s focus on choosing the type of car. When logging on to pick your rental not only will you select the pickup location, arrival time, drop off location and when the car will be returned, you also get to choose what kind of car you want to rent.

The options seem to grow with each passing year. Years ago you had 3 choices - small, medium or large.No, no, no, like cereal, you now have dozens of options. The list of categories is longer than my computer screen. Here are just a few examples and what they really mean.

The Sub-compact - That is a euphemism for a pedal operated car. This one is simple, never choose a sub-compact.



The Compact - That is the one you choose because your company says you need to save money. It will get you back and forth from the airport but you must admit that you chose the car because you had to be cheap.








Mid-size, Full-size, and Luxury - I often wonder what rules rental companies use to define categories. Certainly not rational ones.

• Mid-size cars should be middle size meaning something that can comfortably fit five people and allow the driver to have his or her own portion of the armrest. To the rental company it means a compact that has a rear middle seatbelt. No actual room for a human that eats, but there is a seatbelt. The mid-size is like your local restaurant that no longer sells a small pizza. You have the choice of a medium, large or extra-large and by golly you will pay more for the medium because, well, it must be larger than a small. The mid-size is by no means middle of anything. 

• Full size cars are what mid-size cars used to be. Five people fit but not necessarily comfortably. Full-size cars come with warnings about sleeping and driving. As you walk to the car you begin to feel drowsy as the boredom of the mundane cars that surround you makes you sleepy. There wasn’t any excitement when they were designed, certainly no thrill when they were built, no celebration when they were delivered and absolutely nothing to make you say ‘Wow, this is going to be fun’. While full size represent what most of us will rent we must all be wary of the sleepiness factor that comes with them. No-Doze needs to be standard in the rental agreement.

• Luxury cars. Short and sweet – cars for grandma and grandpa. Be extra careful with these boats because the port-side (left hand) turn signals do not turn off. Legend has it that people have rented these land yachts, stopped at their hotels and waking the next day to find that their car was gone, to be found later by the State Police either in Florida or trying like crazy to get there. 

CUV, SUV, Extended SUVs and Supersize Me - You will pay through the nose for one of these brutes. Not just at the rental lot but also at the gas station, at the parking lot where they won’t fit into any spots, and with the small amount of luggage they can actually hold. This is the car that people say:

‘I rented the Supersize Me because there is no way you will get me in a mini-van. These are the best people carriers you can get.'

People really say this, with a straight face, as they lift and muscle their 92 year old grandmother into the third row seat. Meanwhile, she struggles for air due to the high elevation. Don’t forget though, you will look cool doing it.

Mini-van - Ah, one of the most maligned vehicles in existence. They are an un-cool car but is that really true?
Yes, the first ones, the ones that came out right after the Conestoga wagon were awful things. Under-powered, uncomfortable and ugly. Be honest, does that view still hold? Mini-vans have traveled a long way and now come standard with features like nearly 300 HP, fully digital controls, DVD players, 192 and ½ cup holders, automatic stop baby
crying devices and a host of other family features. I have no issue renting a mini-van to transport my family. It truly is the best people mover in the world. It’s not like you are buying it, it is yours for a couple of weeks. If someone makes fun of you just say ‘Hey, it’s a rental’ and then brag at the water cooler about how you would never OWN one of those things all the while thinking about your spouse loading the 18 month old into the middle seat of the Supersize me while standing on tiptoes to do so.

The plethora of categories continue. The Adrenaline collection, the Green Collection, the ‘I Don’t Know What Category This Car Fits’ collection and the list goes on and on. There are just too many to list here.

To summarize, rent the car that works for you and your family, even if it might not be cool or simply because it is cool. It's not like you will be forced to take it home.

That’s the thing about rental cars, tune in next month to find out.