The Thing about Retirement Cars

Years ago my friend said that when he retires he plans on pulling out in front of every car he sees and then drive slowly as he does errands as payback for those that have done that to him. This from a man who accumulates speeding tickets like people collect souvenir spoons or Precious Moments dolls. I know for the cars I have owned, going on 25 strong now, I have tried to own either sporty cars or cars that were the sporty counterpart of a standard car. I started with a 68 Mustang Fastback onto a Dodge Shelby Charger and even a Taurus SHO thrown in for good measure. Now I drive vintage BMW's. During the holidays family from an earlier generation visited and it made me wonder, what will I drive when I retire?

Go to Florida and you can see the 'standard' retirement car everywhere. First off it must be white or light silver if no white is available. It must have four doors, if at all possible a bench front seat, a boulevard ride, i.e. float like there are three foot swells under the car, and it must be as square as possible. Essentially all cars must look and be similar to an 80's Lincoln Town Car, Ford Crown Victoria or a 70's Cadillac. It must have all the bells and whistles and overall represent a barge on wheels. On a side note, I have always thought if my car had lots of bells and whistles it would end up in a lake, I guess that is something to discuss at another time.

Fewer and fewer of those cars exist. Lincoln Town Car - nope. Crown Victoria - gone. Chevrolet Caprice thankfully killed off years ago. Cadillac, well let's just say that Cadillac is no longer your grandma's car. So what will this current and upcoming retired generation drive? What will I drive?

The other day as I drove along I realized that while I still don't drive slow, I have slowed down. I am a bit more cautious backing up, a wee bit tentative before going through intersections and have probably knocked off one or two miles per hour on a twisty road. I am truly worried!

Will I continue to slow down? Will I become that person that I $#@%@$# all the while I am driving behind him or her. Since I am short will I be the driver less car that I am often following on Sunday mornings to church or on Wednesday's to the local Walmart?

Right now I still want a car with sprightly handling, decent power and fun to drive. Smooth ride and super quiet be damned. I imagine that my parents, and their parents, maybe, kind of, sort of thought the same thing? Yet now that they are old and they are driving the required retirement vehicle. While I want to continue to fight owning a big, huge white whale or leviathan, will I really be able to overcome the natural age progression of having to own a rotten car when I am old? Please tell me there is something scientific that I that says the opposite.

I do have some hope because I see people who have bucked the idea of owning a standard retirement car. However, even for those who have I am not happy with their choices. Believe it or not a popular retirement vehicle is a minivan. Of course you are all thinking so they can carry those cute, chubby grandchildren around, but for many it is actually for going to antique stores, flea markets, and for hauling things from northern Michigan to Sarasota and back again. I don't have to explain why I don't want to drive a minivan, it is self explanatory.

The other popular vehicle is the SUV, or since that is now a bad name a Crossover Utility Vehicle or CUV. For most the Chevy Suburban or the Ford Expedition are not what they want. Way too big. Instead it is the little SUV. A Hyundai Santa Fe, Kia Sorrento, Ford Escape or any of the host of small SUV's, excuse me, CUV's, that are out there. They like them because they are cute, 'drive like a car', and full of utility and sport. The problem is that if you want to do a lot of sport or a large amount of utility they don't work and that is because I consider them futons. You see a futon is a couch and a bed but not good at either. The CUV is both a car and a utility vehicle but not necessarily good at either.

My plan is to drive sporty cars as fast as I can for as long as I can and pray that I will never succumb to the need to own a retirement vehicle. 30 years from now as you are cruising down the boulevard in Tampa and a Mustang or BMW M5 or Porsche smokes its tires to get in front of you and then drives 25 miles per hour below the posted limit it will probably be me.
Don't swear or shake your fists at me or use your tall finger, just smile, give me a thumbs up and yell out 'Lookin' good John, lookin' real good' and drive on.

That's the thing about retirement cars, they are not a requirement unless you give up - so don't give up!